Brian Draper in the Guardian
Posted by Anonymous Tue, 15/08/2006 - 12:37pm
This summer, Brian Draper was asked to contribute a Christian perspective to pre-nuptial agreements, following a series of high-profile divorces such as the one between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. Here's what he said...
My thought for the big day
Are pre-nups cold and callous, or a necessary evil? We asked Brian Draper (pictured right), a regular contributor on Radio 4's Thought For The Day, for moral guidance...
Is asking your partner for a pre-nuptial agreement an unwelcome intrusion into the institution of marriage?
The more you have, the more you have to lose - whether that's the love you invest in someone, or the cash and all the other stuff. Of course you can't put a figure on the worth of unconditional love - for richer, for poorer, and all that - but if we all learned to value the non-tangible benefits of our relationships more highly in our culture, we might fight harder to keep the love, not just the CD collection.
Ultimately, it depends on the spirit in which you enter into a pre-nup - just as it does with a marriage.
If you realise that the pre-nup is a sign that you love your stuff more than your partner, why get married?
Are pre-nuptial agreements an indicator that the couple's marriage is less likely to survive? Is it an indication that you don't have full trust/confidence in the future of the marriage?
It has to indicate that you don't have full trust/confidence in the marriage. But a dose of healthy scepticism may, ironically, take you further than a horse-and-carriage-full of naive romanticism.
Again, it's all about the spirit of the agreement. Marriage is a deeply serious business which is entered into far too lightly by far too many. It's not a fleeting episode in the reality TV show of your life; it's about giving your whole self to someone else, and receiving them, in body, mind and spirit. Before God, ideally.
Would you enter into a pre-nuptial agreement designed to settle financial assets on divorce?
No. But then when I got married, neither of us had much to lose. I'm glad it wasn't ever on the agenda, though. We chose, instead, to prepare for getting married by asking what it means to develop a realistic, enduring, self-giving love for each other. By asking older, wiser people what it takes to stay together; by exploring the Bible for its wisdom and truth about human nature and relationships.
That takes work. But it's worth more than half of any mansion in the country. What's mine is hers, of course - but commitment is surely more valuable than any cash or property you bring to the table. Who knows? I could get mangled in a car accident and need constant attention for the rest of my life; she could develop a debilitating disease... It's far more important to know that we'll both be there for each other, come what may.
We know it's not easy - no one is fallible. No marriage, however loving, is immune from temptation and deception and heartache. But I think you can work harder at a marriage when you know, in your heart, that there's no neat get-out clause. No escape hatch. That you're in this for life. Because that's when you find out what life's really about.
Brian Draper is lecturer in contemporary culture at the London Institute of Contemporary Christianity, licc.org.uk
My thought for the big day
Are pre-nups cold and callous, or a necessary evil? We asked Brian Draper (pictured right), a regular contributor on Radio 4's Thought For The Day, for moral guidance...
Is asking your partner for a pre-nuptial agreement an unwelcome intrusion into the institution of marriage?
The more you have, the more you have to lose - whether that's the love you invest in someone, or the cash and all the other stuff. Of course you can't put a figure on the worth of unconditional love - for richer, for poorer, and all that - but if we all learned to value the non-tangible benefits of our relationships more highly in our culture, we might fight harder to keep the love, not just the CD collection.
Ultimately, it depends on the spirit in which you enter into a pre-nup - just as it does with a marriage.
If you realise that the pre-nup is a sign that you love your stuff more than your partner, why get married?
Are pre-nuptial agreements an indicator that the couple's marriage is less likely to survive? Is it an indication that you don't have full trust/confidence in the future of the marriage?
It has to indicate that you don't have full trust/confidence in the marriage. But a dose of healthy scepticism may, ironically, take you further than a horse-and-carriage-full of naive romanticism.
Again, it's all about the spirit of the agreement. Marriage is a deeply serious business which is entered into far too lightly by far too many. It's not a fleeting episode in the reality TV show of your life; it's about giving your whole self to someone else, and receiving them, in body, mind and spirit. Before God, ideally.
Would you enter into a pre-nuptial agreement designed to settle financial assets on divorce?
No. But then when I got married, neither of us had much to lose. I'm glad it wasn't ever on the agenda, though. We chose, instead, to prepare for getting married by asking what it means to develop a realistic, enduring, self-giving love for each other. By asking older, wiser people what it takes to stay together; by exploring the Bible for its wisdom and truth about human nature and relationships.
That takes work. But it's worth more than half of any mansion in the country. What's mine is hers, of course - but commitment is surely more valuable than any cash or property you bring to the table. Who knows? I could get mangled in a car accident and need constant attention for the rest of my life; she could develop a debilitating disease... It's far more important to know that we'll both be there for each other, come what may.
We know it's not easy - no one is fallible. No marriage, however loving, is immune from temptation and deception and heartache. But I think you can work harder at a marriage when you know, in your heart, that there's no neat get-out clause. No escape hatch. That you're in this for life. Because that's when you find out what life's really about.
Brian Draper is lecturer in contemporary culture at the London Institute of Contemporary Christianity, licc.org.uk
