Good Grief?
'Ultimately, it is a battle over the parameters of free expression in perhaps the most sensitive public spaces we have.' So said a report on the controversy surrounding Colchester Council's demand that relatives of those buried in a local graveyard remove the majority of the 'grief memorabilia' (e.g. teddy bears, wind chimes, plastic ornaments and solar lights) that adorns the tombstones and is tied to the tress.
The 'battle lines' are drawn between those who assert the right to decorate the graves of loved ones in whatever fashion pleases, and those who consider such garnishments to be out of keeping with the atmosphere of quiet contemplation that ought to characterise a cemetery.
It truly is a sensitive issue, and one from which I am not altogether detached. It's highly likely that this weekend will be the last time I'll see my dad; he's terminally ill and his condition is rapidly worsening. So, before long, there will be a headstone bearing his name, and I'll be faced with choices about how, if at all, it seems appropriate to 'decorate' it.
Now I love my dad dearly, but if I'm honest, I can't see myself making a regular pilgrimage to see his grave, nor adorning it with images of Puritan heroes (he's a retired Baptist minister) or items of cricket gear (his favourite sport). Of course, all this may change when the time comes. It might be that such activities will suddenly seem like a natural part of the grieving process. And I think I'm fine with that, so long as it is part of a process - a process that helps me to come to terms with his death.
What I wouldn't want is for such activities to become a form of ritual that serves to keep me in denial about his death. As part of a process, I would anticipate the time coming when such activities become unnecessary. As a 'ritual of denial', the danger is that they become a permanent, debilitating fixture of my life.
It seems to me, therefore, that if the vibrant displays we now see in our cemeteries are genuinely examples of good grief, then they are likely to be temporary displays that have no need of ultimatums or legislation to remove them. If, as has been claimed, they are evidence of a new-found openness about death and grief in our culture, this is surely to be welcomed. That said, as a Christian, I genuinely believe that no amount of realism about the awfulness of losing my dad can diminish the sure and certain hope I have of his resurrection.
And surely that's a hope we need to give a voice to in our culture's newly-liberated conversation about the realities of death and dying.
Nigel Hopper
Links
Finlo Rohrer's report on the controversy surrounding the Colchester Council graveyard is available to read online here...
Comments
"...our culture's newly-liberated conversation about the realities of death and dying". I wonder if this is so; in recent years, we have public grief plastered in news bulletins, newspapers and the like. But is this because we have no real idea of how to grieve in a personal way? Could these 'evidences of grief' be a modern expression of keeping the dead dead? Not that far removed from the items that were used to keep the 'spirits' away? For my part, with my husband approaching death, I wish more of my Christian friends would engage in a real conversation with me about the realities of eternity, instead of telling me not to lose my faith when i will not limit my prayers to a healing miracle. This world will never satisfy my soul and I don't want this o be my home. My hope is built on the living Christ Who went through death to gain eternity for me. Why would I hinder another believer from going there? Of course, I shall be extremely sad when my husband dies and that will be appropriate. I shall have a huge adjustment to make for the rest of my life on this earth. But that will be all pat of the pilgrimage to the realms of eternal glory to which I am looking too.
Thank you for your article 'good grief.' I teach at a Christian college and had used the BBC article in a remedial class to show how we are more likely to read something with which we are engaged, or something that evokes an emotion or an opinion. It worked! But it was good to be able to follow it up today with your article, written from a Christian perspective. Thank you!
From my experience, the proliferation of these types of decorations is most marked around the graves of children. I can imagine that it is hardest to lose a child, one who should have had all of life ahead of them and attended your funeral rather than the other way around. Attending the grave of a child as if you were attending the child themselves becomes a strange way of dulling the helplessness and pain. Is it not trivial to overcome such grief. If parents use these displays as part of grieving, they may feel they are still necessary for several years, and even after the initial pain has passed they may regard removing them as a form of betrayal - of choosing to forget, to move on, after your child has died.
Date:
2011-02-14 12:59:12
Author:
Heather Williams