Love at First Byte
‘Compare your baskets...find love' is the romantic promise from the ASDA dating website, launched in time for Valentine's Day, which innovates by pairing people according to their shopping habits. ASDA is the latest addition to the online dating community, joining a throng of over 800 such sites frequented by a staggering 5 million people in the UK.
Evidence suggests that relationships begun online will be as successful and healthy as any other method. Contrary to earlier predictions that we will inhabit the web anonymously, enjoying a Second Life lived through virtual avatars, the opposite appears to be happening: we are using the web to discover others, not lose ourselves.
However, the online dating industry is far from a neutral service provider. This romantic industrial complex generates big profits and is one of the few industries to have made money out of the Internet, with revenues of around $4 billion worldwide and growing. As such, it is forced to stimulate discontent and dissatisfaction to ensure its continued growth - hence the ubiquitous 'looking for love?' and 'millions of singles waiting online now' sidebars that keenly remind us of our need for an other.
Rather than creating discontent, Christianity has been distinctive since its inception in its affirmation of singleness as a valid way of living, rejecting the notion that satisfaction and purpose is discovered solely in the marital relationship (although we may wonder whether this remains true in churches today). This emphasis takes on an even more radical light when we remember that, in the context of the first century, marriage and the need for heirs were viewed as cultural imperatives. As the theologian Stanley Hauerwas emphasises:
‘What it means to be the church is to be a group of people called out of the world, and back into the world, to embody the hope of the Kingdom of God. Children are not necessary for the growth of the Kingdom, because the church can call the stranger into her midst. That makes both singleness and marriage possible vocations. If everybody has to marry, then marriage is a terrible burden. But the church does not believe that everybody has to marry.'
The grace of the gospel is such that our life circumstances can become our call. In a culture searching for love, it is imperative that our communities affirm and enjoy singleness as a vocation, and that we refuse both to exacerbate any sense of aloneness that arises from singleness and to define it as a 'problem' that needs to be 'made better'.
Ben Care
Comments
It is so refreshing to hear a man talking about the issue of singleness! I came to the conclusion in my early 20s that the odds were against me marrying as there are simply not enough men in UK churches for all the women to be married. It's not a question of calling or relative attractiveness, it's a consequence of mathematics! To try and get more men into the church to address this problem is cynical, and will be counterproductive if they are immediately pounced on by women seeking a husband (you may laugh, I see this far too often). Contented singleness is possible. It is also possible to be married and miserable and lonely. The role of the church is to love and support every member of the community, regardless of their marital status, to be the family that so many of us are lacking. Sometimes the smallest things make the biggest difference - if you invite people over for lunch after church, when was the last time you invited a single person, without feeling the need to invite someone else as well to match-make or 'make up the numbers'?
I agree with much in Ben's article - such as the fact that secular culture often seems to idolise romantic love. I also agree that the church is often too biased in favour of married life, and has in the past presented that as a norm. However, I feel it is important not to over-spiritualise the state of being single. If you find yourself single, it is not necessarily a calling; it may just happen to be the situation you find yourself in. It is not wrong to desire to be married, as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7; just as there are some good reasons for staying single. Single Christians desiring marriage shouldn't feel guilty or that they're ignoring a 'calling'. Catherine makes the excellent point that, for those who are single and don't wish to be, being a Christian presents particular challenges, particularly for women. Websites such as Christian Connection (where I met my husband) perform an essential service in bringing people together. Without them, the situation would be even more dire. There are simply more women than men in churches. Perhaps we need to explore more deeply what we understand 'calling' to be, particularly in the realm of relationships. I see many single Christians struggling simply with the idea of going online to meet someone, because they don't feel 'it's God's will', as if the status quo is always God's will! Yes, God will show in due course whether that course of action is right or wrong. Any course of action always needs prayerful testing. In the meantime, churches can help those who are unhappily single by supporting them with the challenging journey of finding a Christian partner - if that's what they want to do - whatever the outcome.
I agree with Lynne above, and know many Christians who have either chosen the single life or have not found a compatible partner yet but who live very fruitful lives for God and He becomes their particular calling, often marrieds are so caught up in their family life situations and God takes a back seat in many areas. I find myself guilty regarding this issue. So I applaud those who single mindedly get involved in the deeper things of God more actively and fully, and I wish to emulate them.
I agree with Lynne that this article is in itself encouraging. It is only a deep shame that evangelical churches and their leaders clearly reveal in their actions that they do not believe this! Why else treat marriage and the family as if they, and those who belong in them are so much more important than single people? Why, if singleness is such a 'gift' that enables individuals to commit to God's work, are churches and Christian organisations so often led by married men? And their wives given status on the basis of the person they happened to marry? Why too treat single people as if they are profoundly different from their married peers, and even segregate them in different social groups? I am not sure about the assertion that 'our life circumstances can become our call'. I have met too, too many hurting, unhappy, lonely, yearning single Christians who do not find Jesus' promised 'life in all its fullness' in the single life. I am no longer surprised when I hear of yet another Christian single woman who has left the Church because she desired something more than was expected of her. I have learnt too that those single Christians who claim to be liberated by their aloneness are the ones, who once you get them in a quiet corner, to most likely admit their pain at being unmarried. I don't doubt that there are some believers who enjoy lifelong singleness, but in my experience they are in the distinct minority. There is a profound gender imbalance in our churches which suggests that Christianity in this country has failed British men. Teaching that 'sex is worth waiting for' by definition suggests that there is someone in the wings. It is cruel and insenstive to then turn round to the 30something singleton and require that they must now accept celibacy and singleness as a 'calling'. I think too of those 'made eunuchs by men' - who because of upbringing and circumstances beyond their control find it difficult to form relationships. Or do not have the social skills or attractiveness to draw a mate to themself. To suggest their single state is 'a calling' is to spiritualise dysfinction. On the contrary,their healing would be in forming a relationship, not living without. Forty per cent of British households are now single occupancy, the largest housing group of any kind. The challenge for the Church is to live out its calling as a Community' of believers, rather than a gathering of married and unmarried (the very term 'unmarried' betrays what the norm actually is...) that alienates too many. .
This is really encouraging. As a single person, divorced many years ago, I have found the singleness issue hard, especially in the early days. The Biblical imperative to marry only another believer seemed harsh and unfair, although I have long since accepted this and realised its wisdom. But our churches, in my experience, do emphasise the joys of family and parenthood and are not equally good at validating singleness! The last paragraph of this article is particularly helpful. May I also recommend a book, 'The Single Isssue' by Al Hsu and published by ivp.
I have been interested in the responses since my original comment on this article. I sense a lot of frustration about the attitudes in our churches to singlenessand also quite a bit of pain. And I find myself agreeing with almost everything that has been said. However I also believe that ultimately, however hard it seems, we are called to be content, whatever our circumstances. Paul says that he has learned that secret and can practice it 'through him who gives me strength'.Later in the same article he says 'and my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus' .Personally I fluctuate between knowing this contentment and the peace which goes with it and having spells of longing for someone to share my life with. And this is quite irrespective of the way in which I am perceived by those in my church. The times of contentment are getting much longer though, so I press on, greatly encouraged by articles and comments like these, which make me aware that I am not alone in wrestling with this issue.
Date:
2011-03-03 11:07:00
Author:
Lynne Shepherd