Ear, Ear

I often find myself talking before I'm quite sure of what I'm going to say. Speaking before my brain has been engaged, sometimes even ending up saying what I didn't mean to. And wish I hadn't. And it happens when I'm writing too. Though the great advantage of writing is that you can change it before you send it - you get a second chance. But, in a conversation, you don't get a second chance: the words are out there - wreaking havoc or healing wounds, raising laughs or raising hackles. Proverbs 18:13 says: "He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame". A hasty word can not only hurt someone else, it can turn you into a fool. And if you speak presumptuously, then it can indeed become 'your shame' - ever said something and then wished that the ground would swallow you up? When we call someone 'a good listener', it is almost always a compliment; yet when we call someone 'a good talker', it is often a criticism. Good listeners make great friends, because we all have an in-built desire to be listened to and understood. With my Christian friends, I have been known to talk at almost infinite length about my faith, football, cars, and how Activesync, Avantgo, WiFi and Bluetooth are the key technological steps towards postmillennial e-communications convergence.Fortunately, they are patient and gracious. But it's still a bad habit, and it's lethal if you're trying to develop a relationship with someone new. James writes: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak... " (James 1:19). This is more than watching someone's mouth move; it is paying attention to everything they say, and being genuinely interested. Listening is the key that unlocks common interests, common experiences. Listening is the key that unlocks the door to their character, their values and their concerns. For ministry and witness at work, it's crucial.

Listening helps you to identify needs

Effective evangelism stems from understanding the needs of others. Jesus recognised this, not just when he healed physically, but also as he was drawn to the most needy, the most sinful, to be with them. He then was able to identify and respond to their needs.

Listening helps you to ask the right questions

Most of us can't wait to offer an opinion, jump to a recommendation, offer a diagnosis but the good doctor asks lots of questions before recommending a course of treatment. Questions clarify. Questions release.

Listening helps develop deeper relationships

Few conversions stem from chance meetings or single conversations. People who go on Alpha courses, or a Christian rally, rarely just walk in off the street. Usually, they are there because of a relationship with a friend, with someone they trust. And listening is the key to developing relationships of trust.

Listening helps you choose the right words

Obvious really, but as a Christian you are being watched. Once people know that you are a Christian, a whole battery of preconceptions about who you are and what you believe kicks in. Many non-Christians have particular ideas about how Christians should behave, and how you should speak - and are often quick to point out when we fall below their idea of our standards, even if they don't share those standards. "I thought Christians weren't supposed to swear," comes the rebuke from someone whose language normally turns the air blue with obscenities. At work, what we say will shape our colleagues' view of both us and Christ. A word out of place can be disastrous; a word well timed can sow the seed of truth into peoples' lives. The simple power of listening came home to me when I left my last job. I was tremendously encouraged, and rather surprised, by the different messages that my colleagues had left in my leaving card. One in particular stood out. It said: "I really am going to miss you buddy. Thank you for all your support, both business and emotional. Please stay in touch". I only talked once about my faith with this man, yet we spent several lunchtimes together, with me mostly listening. I never realised that this was of such value to him. I also got to know a 'White Witch' in the same workplace. We shared a similar sense of humour, enjoyed each other's company and had several involving lunchtime discussions about faith, prayer and miracles. I was able to correct some misconceptions that she had about Christianity, and make her consider a different perspective on good and evil. But if I had not been prepared to listen to her views, it is unlikely any meaningful discussion would have taken place. Listening is a powerful weapon for God and His Kingdom. Here are some useful questions that have helped me track my own progress over the years:

1. Do I dominate conversation?

Over the next few days, actually listen to yourself talking and see how much you take over. Proverbs says even a fool will be considered wise if he refrains from speaking.

2. What do I know about the people in my office?

Ask yourself what you really know about the people you're working with - basic things like family, background, and interests. I'm not talking about keeping a 'file' on people; but we spend more time in the company of our work colleagues than with most of our close friends, and we should try to get to know them.

3. Did I listen with my eyes?

We learn about people not just through their words or their tone of voice, but by looking at their face, and interpreting their body language. People will often tell you that they are "fine"; but their eyes often reveal the true picture . That doesn't mean that we should then probe for information - but it might mean that we pray for them on our own. Indeed, after a conversation, use those few moments walking along the corridor or going through your in-tray to review how well you listened, and how you can improve.

- How did the conversation help me understand them?
- How will this help me to pray for them?

Ask God for help. And insight. After all, you were not alone. God was the silent guest at the conversation, and heard everything. Where people are hurting, or involved in things that are hurting them and others, this is our opportunity to bring the light of God into the situation. Use the things you have found out to bring prayers to God for that person. Even though it is rare that you get an immediate chance to share your faith, you can start to pray for your colleagues and then see what God does. I remember about a year ago, one of my colleagues was unhappy, and desperately wanted to leave. He had been searching for a job for over six months. I told him that I would pray for him and, less than a week later, he had accepted an offer. I asked him whether the prayers had been useful, and he thanked me for them. I am still in touch with him today, and can talk openly about my faith. Maybe he'll ask me to pray for him again. For many Christians their work colleagues are the only non-Christians that they regularly interact with, so if we are going to show and share Jesus with anyone, then this is the most convenient, if not always the most comfortable, place to do it. And there's no particular reason why current or past colleagues can't become good friends. I enjoy relationships with non-Christians, not just because many of them lead rather colourful lives, but also because they keep me 'in this world.' In the examples I have given, there were no conversions, yet the seed has been sown. One person was a 'Buddhist Christian', another involved in the occult, and the third was a vehement atheist. Yet I know that they now see Christianity in a new light, and that, amazing and humbling as it is, Christ has been revealed to them through me. Now I trust God to bring someone else across their path who may sow more seed, or who may even reap. Of course, it may be that I will be the one to introduce Jesus into their lives, but I'm not precious about this. I have tried to be obedient to God and believe I have brought some people closer to faith. It's made me grateful to God for the opportunities he has given me in His Kingdom, and grateful to him for my ears.

John Braithwaite

John Braithwaite is a marketing consultant and part of the team that developed the 'Men Behaving Godly' course at St James the Less in London.

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