Friendship or Flirting?

A common pre-requisite for many jobs, but what does it mean? Is flirting in your job description? Probably not. How are we supposed to walk that fine line between working well with someone we live with eight (or more) hours a day at the office, and moving the relationship on from friendship, out of the office? Where does flirting - whether it's well-received or not - fit? Maintaining our Christian values and morality is becoming increasingly challenging, and we all need to be self-controlled and alert at work. Flirting happens in all kinds of workplaces and in all kinds of ways - from the dress-code dilemma to the eyes across the desk, from innuendo-laced chatter to a secret, passionate love affair. We may not be immune to these temptations - and we might even be contributing to them, consciously or unconsciously. Let's start with the dress code. This issue is probably easier for us girls. Although we might be attracted to the opposite sex (it's God's design, after all), we're not all that tempted to throw ourselves at besuited men or leer at the hideous Homer Simpson ties and gaudy socks. But for the boys (also created by God to find the opposite sex attractive), crop tops, pierced belly buttons and exposed limbs (not to mention cleavages) are inevitably a distraction. I won't go into who led whom astray in the Garden of Eden, or enter into the unhelpful 'I wish he wouldn't stare' / 'she's asking for it' discussion. Surely we need to consider our weaknesses, and the weaknesses of others. We need to dress and behave accordingly - with sensitivity - and at the same time treat everyone with respect. And what about chit-chat? The odd innuendo is probably ok for most people, but a constant barrage is unacceptable. Taken to an extreme, unwanted flirting can become sexual harassment, and is likely to be powerbased (a helpful book, if this is a problem for you, is Sex at Work, published by The Industrial Society in 1999). This is one of a variety of forms of bullying, all of which are unacceptable, whether it's face-to-face or via your e-mail. Whatever is or isn't acceptable at work must surely be based upon mutual respect and consideration. My current perspective is that I take a fairly relaxed response to mild innuendo, but I have clear boundaries about anything more. My colleagues know exactly where I stand on the relationships/sex before marriage issues. I'm all for values but against chips on the shoulder. Whatever the situation, we need, as Christians in the workplace, to respond to flirting in a practical way, whilst maintaining our sense of humour and not becoming holier than thou to our colleagues (mainly because we aren't!).

Step 1: we are followers of Jesus. Let's look to him as a role model. He seems to have led a full, fun life, mixing with and respecting both sexes, whilst maintaining his personal integrity. Given that we aren't perfect,

Step 2 is that we must pre-determine the rules of the game in our own minds. This means taking responsibility for our words and actions and having someone to whom we are accountable. The disciples were sent out in pairs. We too are disciples, so why not work on this with a wife, husband, best mate or like-minded colleague? As long as they understand your ground rules, they can support you by helping to keep you on track, if you are tempted. Developing a singleminded attitude may also be helpful - check out how uncompromising Paul is on the issue of sexual immorality (see 1 Cor 6.12-20 and Gal 5.13-26).

Step 3: our priorities must be to be true to our discipleship of Jesus, and to protect our self-esteem and the self-esteem of others. Often, the mistrust generated by misinterpreted dressing and unwanted flirting can provoke a male/female argument, with the females in danger of 'slagging off' men in general to get them back for 'history'. It's worth remembering that if we hold to the practice of eye for an eye, very soon we will all be blind. Let's keep our relationships in the Light. Whatever the situation, why behave differently than with any other business response? If a date is being offered - either by you or to you - you should ask or decline with no room for misinterpretation. We're responsible for the flesh, but the devil uses it to entrap us. Don't be devoured. If we communicate clearly, and work hard to show Christ-like respect to others, perhaps we'll all be able to stay friends at work.

Daphne O'Keeffe

To all our readers, male and female:
Are you having problems with unwanted sexual attention at work, or do you feel that you are facing harassment or discrimination? If yes, we recommend you look at the Equal Opportunity Commission website (www.eoc.org.uk). It will provide you with a clear explanation of what the law says about this kind of treatment and what the boundaries of legality and illegality are. It provides practical advice and answers to frequently asked questions, and it will help you find out what your options are.

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Friendship, Flirting, Relationship, Dress, Harassment, Sex, Integrity, Jesus

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