The Hardest Word
I was at the office early. We had a client coming in 15 minutes for a presentation of our work. I'd been in the office 'til 10 the night before. I was stressed. I was ratty. I'd instructed Martha, my colleague, to get some paperwork ready for the meeting, but with 15 minutes to go she was nowhere to be seen and the work she had given me was only half done. I went for a stress-busting shot of coffee, and found Martha standing by the kettle chatting to another colleague. I bridled: 'What on earth are you doing, don't you know we've got clients coming in 10 minutes? Where's that work I asked you to do?' She shrugged nonchalantly at me, 'I did it all yesterday. I gave it to you last night.' I flipped. With my voice several decibels higher than normal, I ranted: 'That was only half the stuff I asked you to do, when exactly were you thinking of finishing it?' Martha remained stubbornly convinced she'd done all I asked her, but I wasn't about to take this for an answer. I stormed back to my desk, looking for my original instructions to thrust under her nose. And then I realised that the note I'd left her was shorthand, ambiguous, and open to interpretation - especially to someone like Martha for whom English was a second language. I was embarrassed. I'd overreacted, and I hadn't given clear enough instructions. I knew I had to say sorry, but in truth it was the very last thing I wanted to do. What is it about saying sorry? It really does seem to be the hardest word. How can we find it easy to stand before the throne of God and apologise for life-offending sin, but at the same time find that our apologies to mere mortals often get caught in our throats? Of course, the reason why it is such a tough word to spit out is that 'sorry' shows up our mistakes. It invites scorn and ridicule. It might undermine our authority. It might even get us the sack. In a successdriven world, 'sorry' is a sign of weakness, an unacceptable admission of failure. All the same, I walked back along the corridor. I prayed, 'Lord, help me to say sorry and mean it.' Martha was still there, but the conversation was now animated indignation about the way this stupid English person had treated her. I swallowed hard, grappling with pride as well as fear: 'Martha, I'm sorry. I've re-read my instructions, and I can see why you've done what you've done. It was my... (how tempting to say spelling, or handwriting)... it was my fault.' Martha graciously spent the next ten minutes rushing around to ensure the client meeting went as well as possible.
Sorry begins in the heart
From my conversation with Martha, I realised that I hadn't quite worked out the implications of God's forgiveness in my life - especially when it came to the wrongs I did to others. I also had to learn that Christian confidence to admit our weaknesses and failings isn't derived from self-confidence but confidence in Jesus' ability to forgive us and others. Five steps I had to learn:
1. I needed to be honest with myself. Ecclesiastes 12:14 reminds us that God looks upon all our deeds, even the ones we've managed to surreptitiously hide from our colleagues.
2. I needed to be honest with God. God alone is the judge of all we do.
3. I needed to be honest with others. I had undeservedly wronged Martha in front of a colleague, and it was important to set things straight.
4. I had to say sorry. The bottom line was getting on with the embarrassing bit and actually saying I was sorry - even though Martha had absolutely no expectation of this.
5. I didn't have the right to any payback. An apology from me designed to elicit a groveling response from Martha would have been no apology, merely political engineering. Sorry is, or should be, a wholly unconditional word. In David's great psalms of confession (Psalms 32 and 51), sorrow after wrong-doing is first an issue between him and God. His sorrow comes straight the heart - it's life changing and God's assured forgiveness brings the soul refreshment.
The psalms don't record how David went on to settle the issues with those whom he had wronged; but taking this same attitude into our workplaces can be like pouring oil onto troubled waters. Jesus calls us to be peacemakers because peace is a characteristic of His kingdom and God's dealings with his people. Developing a reflex of apology builds confidence and trust in relationships. Although it's one of the hardest words for us to say, 'sorry' is also one of the clearest ways for us to bring a distinctive Christian edge to our conversation.
'I hadn't quite worked out the implications of God's forgiveness in my life - especially when it came to the wrongs I did to others.'
Tim Vickers
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